A deep dive of the killer-chicken spabbit-hole

Today I stumbled upon summarized trash-science piece headlined “Eating fried chicken every day could mean you die earlier, according to a new study”.

Oh dear.

A internal conversation was immediately kicked off in my mind, it went something like this:

  • Voice 1:
      Oh shit, I’ve eaten a LOT of fried chicken!
  • Voice 2:
      It was delicious.
  • Voice 1:
      But if you carry on, you’ll die.
  • Voice 2:
      I welcome the prospect of death by fried chicken.
  • Voice 2:
      I want KFC, now.
  • Voice 1:
      Well you can’t – it’s not even 7 in the morning.
  • Voice 2:
      Fuck.
  • Voice 1:
      Meh.
  • Voice 2:
      *silently plots to have a KFC later*

You think that’s bad? I have to put up with that 24/7 – and sometimes, I don’t even know what those inner voices are plotting. Fuckers.

Oh, and don’t even think of Googling “Killer Chicken”, apparently in some-place somewhere it’s a thing:

Bit of a shitty post

Shit-headAs the title implies, this post will detail the one thing in life which we all have in common (Apart from dying, butt that’s taking the darkness too far around the u-bend)… And that is shit – poop, shite, discharge, dung, and stool. Merde, Scheisse, Kak, Mierda, and Gówno. I don’t want you to assume that this article will be guano, it’s going to be solid gold epically funny shit

Getting to the matter at arse – we’re all full of it – shit – from the caveman to the supermodel to the tramp, we all have the shittiest thing in common – it’s the great leveller – pigs have understood this for years, and the shitty little buggers literally roll in it given half a chance!
 
Now this article will detail some of the different shits out there, and don’t assume for one minute that I’ll cover all the shit in one article, but this is my unique shitty view – coming soon to a loo near you 😉

  • Express Shit
    • This is the sprinter of shite, the prince of the playing field – this one will exit your arse at warp and with a happy little splashdown, and when looking down at this roadrunner fast little bastard, you’ll wonder if it ever came from your arse when it winks up from the pan!
  • Hot Shit
    • Now this little shit can only occur in the classical cycle observed during the morning after. Now the night before the morning after in this case will contain one or more of the following, and indeed the night in question may have been fuelled by an alcohol-induced-moment of fuckit which invariably involved a Vindaloo, or some kind of kebab with entirely much too chilli sauce!
       
      The hot shit, the ring sting, the ring of fire – there can be only one King of the Arse, and that, dear audience is the Hot Shit! Some have even wept buckets for just being in the presence of this royalty 😉
  • Torpedo Shit
    • The images which the word torpedo will conjure will range from old war movies right through to the computer generated images of space-battles, but none of them match the real-life experience of the torpedo shit – this streamlined little fucker will get the sewer sonar in a right pinging mess! Exiting the arse port at maximum speed, it efficiently cuts a hole through the surface tension, propelling it around the u-bend and out into the main channel without even a splash!
       
      You’ll know you’ve had an event with this one, but scant evidence will remain!
  • Stealth Shit – aka shit-ghost
    • The genuine spirit of this article – the B52 with the smelly payload – this is one sneak which those pesky kids and their dog will never catch! This is the prince of darkness shit – you’ve sat down, blinked, and there it is – looking up like a brown ghost in the night – and you’ve no idea how it got there. You stand in front of the great portal and wonder if you actually went – the evidence will speak for it self…
  • Bomb Shit
    • BOOM! Shake the pan! The Bomb Shit is here! We’ve all been there, this tightly packed dense ball of crap has been building itself in your bowels, probably after eating something you shouldn’t. The Bomb Shit hits the water with all the grace in which bricks don’t, and produces the splash of the century – when this fucker splashes down, you’ll think your arse needs a towel, not just some bog-paper…. Eugh!
  • Bollard Shit – aka shit-baby
    • For anyone who doesn’t know what a Bollard is (No relation to Bollock), please go educate yourself here. The Bollard shit, often referred to in its most specific form of Concrete Bollard, is the grand overlord of shits. U-Bends quiver in the night at the thought of this absolute beast of a shit.
       
      It’s the shit so big, men actually talk in the bathroom – the sanctum of silence… So big as to make grown lumberjacks shed a tear. It’s the shit men refer to when taking the piss out of preggas women when men say the imortal line “I’ve taken a shit bigger than that baby”, and indeed like child-birth there can be some tearing in the mix. The terror of the sewer – I give you the Bollard Shit!
  • Plug Shit
    • Ending the days of no-arsetivity, coming in a strong contender for the most famous shit of all time, the Plug Shit. This little bastard is the broken down car causing the fifty mile tailback on the highway. When the Plug Shit happens, it’s an event. When the plug shit happens, batten down the hatches (And open the fucking window for fuck-sake), because there’s gonna be an arse-storm of epic proportions coming in the near future. I give you the prince of the arse-jam, the great bringer of relief – the Plug Shit!
  • Snake Shit
    • Slinky little bastard… you know the one, when you’re taking (or giving?) a shit, and it takes time, you can feel this one going and going and going… This sometimes happens after the Plug Shit, but bloody hell, it’s no an arseing around matter – this is some serious shit! This is the shit where people flush half way through (but not living on a prayer) with it still attached like some kind of sick brown umbilical connected to the main-line. It’s the hose from the brown port – don’t look down, it’ll bite!
  • Shitplosion – aka Blunder-Shit aka Shot-Shit
    • The grand exploder! The Shitplosion also often occurs after the Plug Shit has finished its performance, exiting u-bend. This is a nasty little fucker, and is often proceeded by rumbles in the brown jungle. This doesn’t so much as exit the brown port, it’s more a case of getting the fuck out. Remember the Mythbusters episodes where they tried to paint with explosives – I swear they got the idea from the Shitplosion – the one event guaranteed to coat the white funnel solid brown in a matter of a scant second. Boom, muthafuckers 😉
  • Event-Horizon Shit – aka Alternate Dimension Shit
    • Often proceeded by the thoughts of “How Big!?”, and “Where the actual fuccckkkk is this coming from”, I bring you the shit which doesn’t stop, the plop plop plop polpper of the pan. Seriously can one body even contain so much shit? You’ll be dining out on the stories and flashbacks for this epic shit-show!
  • Honourable mention Shits
    • No self respecting arse of a shitty article would be complete without mentions of “Fucking Shit!”, “Holy Shit!”, and finally “Oh Shit!”

Now if you’re still reading at this point, you’re some tough shit, but even tough shit deserves some light relief – so my shittiest couple of jokes:

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar. It says to the Bar-Tender “Is that stool taken”

I don’t want you all to think that all my favourite jokes are shit-based, but they always come in a solid number two…

(I know you’re wondering… there are 63 mentions of the word shit (now 64!) in this article!)

Finally, don’t say I never post anything educational 😉

Ageing Kinkster Problems

BDSM SymbolIt’s well known that as a society, we’re becoming more sexually progressive – more and more those people traditionally into their vanilla sex lives are looking to add some spice by trying BDSM, in-fact, it’s almost mainstream these days! Now, my (slightly) twisted mind takes that idea, and thinks immediately (as anyone would, right?) of the population hitting old age, and what happens to the kinksters when the senior years hit home!

Perhaps you can think of some more lines to add to the list!

Sooo… BDSM & Signs of getting older:

  • Using leather bondage cuffs for wrist supports
  • Wishing you had a rack in your play space – for health reasons
  • Missing your leather collar because your neck gets too cold
  • You don’t mind the beating, but you’d like something padded to kneel on
  • Ball-gags have to be soft as otherwise your dentures might be damaged
  • You can’t be locked up all night, as you need 4 toilet breaks!
  • You need a full quilt in the cage, not just a blanket
  • A Zimmer frame is also doubles as a bondage frame
  • You want to be chained to the bed, as it’ll help you catch up on sleep
  • Viagra is required for a function check
  • Your session music comes from the 60’s
  • Your mistress has to wear flats as she can’t do heels any more
  • You’re running out of hair for your top to pull
  • You get more strokes of the cane because your top forgot to install fresh hearing aid batteries
  • Electro-play helps give you that essential boost for the day
  • A trampling helps with your back pain rather than excite anything
  • You need glasses on to find the handcuffs keyholes
  • The doors must be locked otherwise the grand-kids might discover you’re not as innocent as they think
  • Vibrators need to be industrial strength
  • Nipple clamps don’t work any more due to excess skin
  • A butt-plug means you don’t have to worry for a while
  • You don’t mind being handcuffed and chained, so long as the chains are warmed up first
  • Cable-Ties are more for DIY than Bondage

When the fuck did I become an old man?

Recently something smacked me in the face so hard as to knock me into next week. Yup that’s right… fucking time travel, motherfuckers. Only this isn’t the nice kind of time travel where Doc Brown and a mongrel of questionable origin is awaiting you with a nice warm amplifier. This is the kind of time travel which makes reality movies about the collapse of civilisation look like a fucking cartoon. This is getting old(er)

So, as I was saying about the knocking and next week. It’s next week, and I’m old.

  • Things are too loud
      Yes, this is even though I wake up deaf with bad sinuses every morning.
  • Bright lights are too bright. Someone turn off the fucking sun – vampire? Maybe.
  • Alcohol sometimes works too well… Upside is a cheap date, or more then likely ‘night in’, as it hurts to go out…
  • All I want is for a nice quiet, dim, and peaceful pub to crawl into.
  • Oh, look… I blinked and it’s next fucking year.
  • My body has now altered it’s default setting to ‘ache like a bitch’ (Sorry if this offends all you bitches – not really.)
  • Music. I’m beginning to think of classical orchestral music as ‘super classic’ and 80s rock’n’pop as classical.
  • Clubs. What the fuck are clubs apart from dark, noisy, and hostile environments where the young get off their faces?
  • When the fuck did women start dressing in a pair of tights and some cling film to go out on the town – come on women – leave something to the imagination – I don’t wanna see your thinly veiled minge, even when drunk off half a pint of lager at four in the afternoon. Go put some fucking clothes on.
  • I realised my parents were fucking retards, nasty fucking dribbling retards with as much as an idea of reality as the most retarded of my cats – you know, the one which licks anyfuckingthing.
  • It doesn’t require alcohol to wake up (Yet again?) with a hangover.
  • People in their 30’s are referred to as kids.
  • I’ve forgotten twice as much as I currently know.

So getting older. In my imagination I can see a bold figure clawing away at the walls of life itself, whilst being dragged kicking and screaming into the eternal darkness, all the time screaming like something more wild than wild. Reality: Everything fucking hurts.

You know the worst part? I’m not evening fucking 45 yet, and I might have the best part of another 40 years doing this shite. Still, I’m a cheap date now, and by the time I’m much older I’ll be able to get off on a whiff of perfume 😉

Oh, and you people in your 20’s and 30’s reading this – you’ll all think that this will never be you. HaHa!

I’ve cracked my Facebook addiction.

Around a couple of weeks ago, I had a moment – the moment was a realisation that I was hooked on something, and just like any addict, I just couldn’t leave it alone. Now I’m not your typical person in regard to addiction – I can stop and start both alcohol and nicotine on a dime, as the Americans would say. Yup, very true – friends, colleagues and family all call me various names for my ability to go cold turkey and not turn into a raging monster (Then there’s the other side where I start up with no ill effects!).

Anyhow, despite my lack of traditional addiction, in the moment, I realised that Facebook was an unwelcome intruder in my mind, every five minutes whilst watching TV I’d be on the endless scroll quest to get yet more crap. I’m particular in the crap which flows in – for example, I don’t watch adverts on TV, and try to limit my news intake. Yet despite everything there was Facebook – even saying “Facebook” sounds like some kind of dirty word now.

I understand that some aspect, in a vague nebulous way, some long-ago nascent thought said “It’s a great way to keep up with Friends and Family”. It lied. You know the best way to keep with Friends and Family. See them. Call them. Be with them. Try it, you’ll appreciate the fresh yet old-fashioned way of doing things. Be in the moment. There is no spoon!

At first the revulsion was so bad, I turned off my devices and left them in another room. If I was going to go cold-turkey, I was going to do it full-bore. I managed to make that last most of a weekend, and then I had to re-join the connected-world (I work in I.T. and it’s kinda expected that you’re online 24*7). Even now, getting connected to the News and the world still gives me a mental twitch which I can’t shrug off. I’m conversant with the sardonic nature of recording these thoughts and posting them online – it’s like a great big dirty burger of filth, demolished with gusto, coming back with that sick sinking feeling of “What have I done!?”.

Can I escape Facebook completely? No. The insidious Facebook has managed to weave itself into minds and hearts like some kind of meme-virus. The insidious Facebook had managed to integrate into modern society, it’s truly the electronic equivalent of a symbiote. Instead of a community notice board for my area, there is a Facebook Group. Instead of a buy and sell board, there is a Facebook Buy & Sell Group. Instead of phoning up the local authority, they’re on Facebook, posting official notifications for the masses to digest. You get the picture – Facebook has a Face-Tentacle in everything everywhere.

Where am I left now? In Face-Limbo.

Fuck.

Recipe: Sweet Waffles (No Sugar!)

This recipe will produce delicious Sweet Waffles which can be served with basically anything your imagination can churn out 🙂

This is my spin on the Sweet Waffle Recipe, it has no sugar, instead relying on Splenda (Sucralose) to provide the sweet crispy kick that is expected and welcome with sweet Waffles!

Ingredients (Dry)

  • 250g Plain Flour
  • 2 Heaped tsp Baking Powder
  • 10 Heaped tsp Splenda
  • 1 flat tsp Salt
  • 1/2 flat tsp Cinnamon Powder

Ingredients (Wet)

  • 2 Eggs
  • 30 ml Vegetable Oil
  • 3 tsp Vanilla Essence
  • 475 ml Milk

You’ll also need some oil spray to lubricate the Waffle Maker.

All ingredients are approximate measures only, as anyone experienced knows 🙂

Method

Turn on the Waffle Maker.

Combine the wet ingredients together, whisk well to ensure they’re well combined, and the oil won’t separate!

Combine the dry ingredients together, mix well to ensure even distribution of the Baking Powder, Splenda, Salt & Cinnamon.

Pour the Wet ingredients into the dry, and whisk for a few minutes. Experience will tell you when you’ve achieved the correct consistency – I’d describe it as “flowing slowly from a spoon”. Air bubbles are a must – without the bubbles it will be a Waffle of Fail.

Spray your now hot and good to cook Waffle Maker with some of the spray-oil (Yes, even if your maker is non-stick), ensure that both cooking surfaces receive a coating of oil. For UK readers, it’s that 1 Cal pump spray stuff. For the hippies, you can even use spray coconut oil 😉

Pour in some mixture. Keep in mind that this mixture will expand to double its original size. Pour in enough to just cover the bottom plate until you can’t see any of the raised bits. Slowly close the lid. Some Waffle Makers will have instructions not to clip the lid closed, some will say clip closed, read the manual (RTFM!).

Generally speaking, when in the initial cooking phase, there will be quite a bit of water vapour escaping the Waffle Maker, moving into the “crisping” stage of cooking, the water vapour will decrease to nothing.

When done, remove and serve with whatever floats your boat! Now, I’m a marmalade addict, so mine are usually with lashings of butter and blobs of marmalade! These waffles go equally well with some strawberries and cream. Go Wild!

Notes

It wasn’t my intention to make Waffles, just toasted sarnies, but my purchase (As below) changed all that… and they’re a bit of an American Thing, and me being a Brit, I’ve always backed away from the American recipes. Now before anyone jumps on this and says “Not American in invention”, which is true, mine are inspired by the American recipes. If you wanna know more about Waffles (Other than consuming the wee buggers), go Google it (JFGI) – you’ll find the closest oldest incarnation is almost certainly European in origin…

With the Breville machine I bought, when the mixture has been poured in, I just gently close the lid – I don’t clip it closed, then after about 4 minutes of cooking, I squeeze the handle until almost clipped, holding it for around 20 seconds and continuing to cook for around 4 minutes afterwards – this is to ensure that the final waffles aren’t wedge shaped. I know traditional / dedicated Waffle Makers won’t suffer from this issue and you’ll be able to close the lid.

I purchased my Waffle Maker from Amazon, it’s the Breville VST041 Deep Fill Sandwich Toaster, Stainless Steel – Silver. Sandwich Toaster I hear you cry in abandon… But fear not – it has changeable plates to turn it in to a Waffle Maker – 2 for 1!

  

And there’s this bastard…

Simple article: How dare these bastards protect child abusers.

One might be suggesting that these scum-vermin burn in the fires of their self created hell. You got it folks, personally as a victim of abuse at the hands of the catholic church this hits close to home, they promote abuse, they protect abusers, here in black and white from the Guardian. How can the members of the catholic cult claim to have any morals? If you, as a normal, moral human found out that a club you belonged to promoted and covered up child abuse, would you A) Report them to the authorities, B) Kick shit out of them, or C) LEAVE THE CLUB… Note none of the options in the previous sentence are STAY IN THE CLUB AND PROTECT THE ABUSERS… Just what is wrong with them!!!

Yes, this is a rant. No, staying a member of an organisation which protects abusers isn’t the same as being an abuser, for the individual to be protecting an abuser on a personal basis – but it is being complicit, supporting those abusers and those who protect the abusers. It’s not the same as living in a country with a hideous human rights record where you can’t leave – membership of a cult is a choice, especially when you’re informed of the abusive actions of said cult.

I Find That Offensive!

iftoI was listening to the Jeremy Vine show on BBC Radio 2, the subject matter, centred around “the right to take offense” struck a chord with me. In the programme, the author Claire Fox described her experiences with young adults which inspired her to write the book, “I Find That Offensive“.

I agree 100% with everything she says in the book, and I fear for the future of the society which allows, and to a lesser extent encourages this behaviour among the young.

It’s a very interesting read, which I would strongly recommend to any thinking and reasoning adult – and if you have the opportunity to change the mind of a young person to be more open and less offended, then please enable that most vital skill set whenever, and wherever you can; survival of the race by decreasing future offended-wars is a noble quest. (I’m also of the opinion this ties in with a secular or atheist point of view, I strongly suspect the religious mind isn’t capable of this, not truly…)

There are a few memes drifting around the interwebs concerning the same subject – all along the same lines – and they’re true… “So fucking what?” as Stephen Fry says…
IMG_1451

This is where Blasphemy started, and we all know how fucking evil that shit is – people have been killing and torturing other people throughout the ages in the name of that fucker, and the worst thing, it still goes on today – however it now seems that the youth of today is intent on broadening this to other subjects as well… Claire Fox describes a talk regarding a footballer, convicted of rape, discussing whether or not he should resume his career, where any other points of view than further, and more extreme methods of punishment were shouted down, and effectively banned by the court of “I’m offended” – it’s a sad state of affairs when our young adults are so mentally closeted they can’t even hear the opinion of others.

IMG_1452It’s my personal opinion that they’ve simply had it too easy, they don’t know what real life is actually like, they’ve never struggled for crusts of bread, they’ve never been broken, never hit rock bottom and then fallen some more – IF you’ve been unfortunate (Or should I say fortunate?) enough to have been that broken, you know, you just fucking know that life isn’t that simple. The act of being broken – it makes you – when coming out the other side, you have a fresh appreciation of what actually matters, and you know, just being fucking offended simply doesn’t live in the same universe as real life.

Here are a couple of quotes of mine, and I sincerely hope they offend someone somewhere…

“Offended? – Good. Makes you feel alive. Everyone has the right to be offended, cause offence and be told to fuck off, quite equally. Anyone who thinks anything else is clearly fucking insane.”

“Anyone who is offended merely by words not the context / intent of the words is truly stupid.
Stupidity is the only universal crime.
Darwin for the win.”

OneDrive not downloading all your files?

Before we begin, I will say that I love OneDrive.

Towards the end of last year I was getting a little tired of Google Drive (Which is now called something else… Baby, I just dont’t care), so decided to give OneDrive another go. A long time ago OneDrive was pure shite, wouldn’t even trust it with a backup of a single meme – WoW – how wrong was I – I tried it again and it was the unicorn of the file storage solution I’d been looking for.

To make OneDrive useful, like all useful things in life involves payment – it’s a small payment, and you get the full, industry standard power of Microsoft Office with it (Or is it the other way around, you tell me 😉 ) – either way £6 per month won’t break the bank in most cases, and for 1 TB of online storage, it’s great.

One drive has the best features:

  • Great Interface
  • Fire and forget installation in most cases
  • Granular file and folder selection
  • Works well with MS Office
  • Business and Personal versions
  • Online sharing, expiring links and password included
  • Click on the icon and it tells you what it’s doing
  • Brilliant online views, especially for your images
  • Ransomware protection
  • 30 Day File-Restore (Like previous versions)

Anyhow, the above said, Microsoft have been doing some fuckery with OneDrive recently, and I feel a public duty to undo it! One of the best features of OneDrive was the ‘fire and forget’ install, but Microsoft had to fiddle with it!

Until recently, I was happily using OneDrive to download and sync my files across multiple devices, then all of a sudden it stopped, and every time I tried to access one of the newer files, I was faced with a ‘xxxx program is downloading this file in OneDrive’… ‘fucking odd’ I think! But then… then the worst happens, you grab your device and run, knowing that your files have all been downloaded in the background, and you’ll have them offline.

W R O N G.

Click for full-sized version

In one of the latest Windows updates, a ‘feature’ has been made live, in full on stealth mode I might add. The ‘feature’ is ‘Save space and download files as you use them’, which means that none of the newer files will be background synchronised between devices, and when said devices are later offline, you’ll be screwed. BAD Microsoft! There is however an easy way to disable this ‘feature’ and restore the full glory to OneDrive.

  1. Click on your OneDrive icon (Note it tells you what’s it’s doing / done!)
  2. Select Settings
  3. Go to the Settings Tab
  4. UNTICK FILES ON DEMAND
  5. Don’t forget to click on OK.

Once the above is done, you’ll find that OneDrive goes off and catches up, downloading all the stuff you probably thought it had done already.

… And they all lived happily ever after…